Yesterday on the plane, I once again realized how much I hate turbulence. How my palms become sweaty at once if the airplane drops for even a couple of seconds. I desperately yearn for control, but know I am powerless, and so strive to maintain a steady appearance.
I wonder if it’s the same in real life – I think it is. Except here, the feelings of powerlessness are more subtle and can go unnoticed, being a shady influence under the surface. And the urge for controlling the situation greater, since it’s not always apparent that I just have to place my life in the hands of someone else, also in this world.
The struggle for power and control over your life (and others’) – only to find that probably, the better path is the quest for surrender and love.
However, it seems we are endowed with the ability to want, desire and plan. Where is the fine line between living out that potential and becoming everything we don’t really want to be?
Have a feeling the answer centers on boundaries – maybe more on this on a later time 
marts 13th, 2008
And friends are friends forever
If the lords the lord of them
And a friend will not say never
cause the welcome will not end
Though its hard to let you go
In the fathers hands we know
That a lifetimes not too long to live as friends.
- Michael W Smith
marts 11th, 2008
“I’m … I’m a roamer in time
I travel alone
Throughout an endless journey
Home … where is my home
Fragments of a love life
I won’t surrender” – from Forgiveness (title music for Ørnen)
Where is my home?
Right now, having just flown from London to Norway, having my usual base in Denmark, I don’t know.
Maybe home lies somewhere between here and my only real childhood home at a mountainside in Norway…
To not be in transit must be good.
marts 1st, 2008
In the Aquarium, there are lots of fish. Which one are you?
The shark, swimming, hunting for whatever prey presents itself?
The stingray at the bottom, not noticeably there unless you have a good look, but when somebody steps on you, quite poisonous?
One of many in the swarm of fish swimming aimlessly around within the invisible boundaries that have become your prison?
The flat-squashed fish that looks very afraid, as if having just had an encounter with a steam-roller?
Why does no fish look more happy?
februar 28th, 2008
And so this is Christmas – or rather, it was just Christmas, and we’re approaching the new year. What have I been doing with the time given to me over this year? I’m sorry to say, both good and bad. Yes, as I look back, I do feel I’ve grown, and I can see places and stuff in my life I never honestly though I’d overcome, that I am slowly beginning to handle (praise God). But still, bad stuff has a way of creeping into my life and my being, and I haven’t always been very good at denying its entrance.
Looking back, it’s been a year full of turmoil. One year ago, at the turn into year 2007, I had now idea at all about the thoughts and feeling I’m having and struggling with right now. My future focused around other issues and circumstances, and this year has been about moving away from some things and towards other things.
But now, here we are. And even though I’ve been at Newbold College studying theology for the last 3-4 months, I honestly do not feel like a better person, though I now drink less coffee and eat more vegetarian-like Yes, I’ve won some battles and learnt a lot of stuff, but looking back at my time there until now, I do not feel like I’ve spent it entirely as I should have. But, things can change, and I pray and hope that they will.
For the last week or so, I have felt closer to God than I have in a long time; actually, I think it’s been since a couple of days in October, and the start of September. And somehow, the desire to lead a better life in 2007 have grown in me (though it still varies in intensity). It’s not that I believe I can in any way earn anything on the way of salvation by living differently – I cannot, but I desperately want to have a more holy way of life; simply because it is better for me, and better for the people around me.
Holy way of life – this sounds really loaded, but let’s try and call it something else – maybe a dedicated way of life. In 2008, I want to be more dedicated to the values I hold, and live up to being the person I would like to be. Still recognising that there will always be much left in the way of improval, and that God will love me no matter what, I would like to live in a dedicated way, so that the people around me, and myself, will not be hurt be my actions, but on the contrary be built up by that which comes from above and not from within me. That I may receive that and pass on that which is in this world, but not of this world.
I recognise I cannot do any of this in myself – not even in a small part. But I firmly believe that when I seek God, He will be faithful, and help me be all that which I fall short of – both in His way of looking at me, but also in practice (and of course, I can rest in the assurance that even when I fall, He will be there to catch me).
My brother gave me a CD for Christmas that I really wanted, and I thought I would close with a few song-quotes to sum up how I want my life in 2008 to be like, but it got so long. So I think the main motto right now would be:
“Evermore my heart, my heart will say
Above all, I live for Your glory
Even if my world falls I will say
Above all, I live for Your glory”
(Hillsong United: Evermore)
Also, One way and All Day in full would really be ideals of how to live.
May God grant me the clarity, strength and sincerity to follow up on these desires.
These are my intentions for 2008 – what are yours?
december 31st, 2007